Loving and Caring

When we love & care so deeply for someone struggling with addiction be it drugs, alcohol, tobacco, gambling, eating. We can get caught up in the vicious cycle of addiction, become over whelmed, stressed, consumed and lose sight of ourselves.

Addictions are what they say in AA meetings, Cunning. Baffling and Unpredictable. It seeps into every nook & cranny of our lives and of those we love.

Taking care of self is important and can be gently stopping the codependency of taking responsibility for other people’s thoughts, actions & emotions. It’s saying what you need, in the most compassionate way possible and then trying to live in the mystery of the unknown.

One of the most difficult things to do is watch a loved one struggle with some form of addiction and experience the feeling powerlessness. Finding yourself wishing you could somehow “fix it”.

Difficult and painful as it can be… it takes “radical acceptance” embracing self with all of the pain, fears, anxiety and step firmly on the path of recovery even when there may be over whelming emotions.

Compassionate Boundaries

Compassionate Boundaries become much easier when you realize this:

· Say your truth without shame or blame. Leaning in is uncomfortable and necessary for a “loving” relationship.

· You are not responsible for how other people react to your boundaries you set. Let go of the outcome.

· Please do not expect anyone to love your boundaries.

· Do not expect them to be grateful for setting your boundaries. you may have to practice more. Don’t even expect them to respect or care for your boundaries.

· You will need to repeat the assertive clear compassionate statement.

· Just set the compassionate boundaries kindly, you need to keep yourself safe and healthy. That’s your work. That is your healing, your empowering self, Set and gently keep the boundaries. Their reaction is their responsibility.

· When “hooked,” mindful breath is your next thought.

· Your response could be empathy for them and then a kind restatement of your needs and/or boundary.

· If they get angry, that’s a reflection of them and their historical residue, their relationship with boundaries. It is not a reflection of you or your character.

· You own your emotions. 100% responsibility for my actions. They own theirs.

· They are loving you fully or showing where you have been “hurt”

· Gently stop the codependency of taking responsibility for other people’s thoughts & emotions.

Written by S. Andrew

Recovery

& The Work

We are all born with a soul that is a clean slate. We grow up in a home and we are parented with what our parents have been taught from their parents or learned from others.

What were the parents taught? How to engage their children in day-to-day life, the cooking, open communication, problem solving skills, teaching empathy, feel feelings, respect and responsibility. Or were they taught the bare minimum, keeping the children clean, fed, clothed and in school. Did they teach the children what they needed to know, so they had sufficient resources to survive or did the parents do everything for their children.

What was the environment that your parents grew up in? Was there calmness, compassion, respect or did they grow up in a home where they were taught how to steal, do drugs, was there emotional/ physical abuse or somewhere in between? What was the experiences within their family, in their community, with friends, schools?  

This is where everything begins. Going through life having positive or negatives experiences throughout the years. Relationships of all kinds coming & going.

You may have grown up in a home where parents have been given what one might call decent parenting skills and the parents are social (drugs, tobacco, alcohol or food) users or don’t use substances at all. Others grow up in homes where stealing, addictions, emotional or physically violence is part of their daily experience.

Whatever experience you have had, it leaves an invisible imprint on your soul. This does not include what you have experienced throughout your life by the situations you put yourself in and whatever those situations held for learning. What about those situations you “walked into” with no intent?

Sound like a lot of living, it is. It evolves like your taste in music or clothes. So, when people talk about recovery it involves looking inward, evolving ourselves as people, doing the hard work, the unfolding of the layers of life lived and processing them as much as you need to until you find resolve.

Finding someone who you are comfortable with, giving yourself permission to break your silence and secrecy. To be open, earnest, honest and vulnerable with them and most importantly, with yourself.

It is giving self the gift of being the authentic self. Figuring out who you are without what you struggle with (drugs, tobacco, alcohol or food), learning what do you like, what do you value and what you do want in this next chapter of your life?   You get to be the author!

 I believe we all do the best we can with what we know. When we know different, we can do different.

So, if you can, give yourself permission to stand up, reach for the sky like you are trying to signal a plane to be rescued and let you soul beam the brightest LED light … saying here I am and claim your place in this world….

May what you dream of …………… all the hopes and aspirations become your reality.

Happy New Year!

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